I have less pants now Than when I started. I have less pants Than when I began I have less pants now Than when I started I must purchase them All again. When did this all begin? Well I suppose It was at work last Thursday I made a sandwich for a lady Who was overweight and had a pimple On her nose. She ordered extra salami We do not serve salami So I ran to the grocery store And they were running a special Two for one on diet cola But I do not drink diet cola So I just bought ham. I was fired the next day. But that's okay I guess Where did they go? Who will ever know? I turned on the television There were reruns of South Park Mocking some Fox News talking head They said something about Nazis But I was too stoned to remember The exact subject of that Particular piece of dialogue. Then I had to do some laundry And I counted all my pants. Where did they go? (I counted.) Who will ever know? (I counted them all.) Where did they go? (I counted.) Who will ever know? (I counted on them all.) I usually have five pairs of navy blue jeans I also have a black pair But they’re a bit too small around the waist This is despite them having the same waist size as normal on the tag. So anyway, yeah, one was gone So I cried for three days. And arose on the third, Introduced myself as Jesus For a week afterwards Until a man in a white dress shirt Punched me in the throat. Where did they go? (I have one less pant!) Who will ever know? (Give me one more chance!) Where did they go? (I have one less pant!) Who will ever know? (Give me one more chance!) I have less pants now Than when I started. I have less pants Than when I began I have less pants now Than when I started I must purchase them All again!

Another synapse Another chance to collapse Moral prolapse The other whispers Freud’s Id and Jung’s Shadow Soft-spoken super-ego Reflexive calling Destructive falling Down Listening down. (The other whispers again) Listening down. (The other whispers again) To imagined glistening crown. Another relapse Another place I collapse Tripping on gaps Voices scream inside me Love and sin duality Reflexive calling Destructive falling Down Listening down. (The other whispers again) Listening down. (The other whispers again) To imagined glistening crown. Please stop whispering now Please stop listening Where is that glistening crown?

Please turn over to side B. (silly noises) Thank you for turning over to side B.

Well, asshole, let me tell you the ol' Texas tale of Boozy Mittens, the Drunkard Cat. You see, Boozy Mittens was an old, fat bastard. He had one eye that was covered by an eyepatch, and another eye that was not. The eye that was covered by the eyepatch he could see things out of, which made it really inconvenient for it to be the one covered by the eyepatch. However, the other eye had lost its sight due to this cat's intense intake of alcohol-ic beverages. (How much alcohol did he drink?) Fuck-tons! Absolute fuck-tons. Man, that cat could drink an entire bottle of Smirnoff. Which is not entirely unimpressive for a human, but I mean, it's a cat, and they have much tinier livers that humans do. (How much tinier?) Fuck-tons tinier, you asshole! (Sorry.) God, where was I? Name of this fucking cat again? (Boozy Mittens.) Boozy Mittens! Well, anyway, he drank. And he was indeed a cat, with an eyepatch - that was inconveniently placed. (How inconveniently placed was it?) Fuck you! Fuck you. Very inconveniently, goddamn it. Anyway, one time Boozy Mittens come up to my place. And he come up to my old lady. And he lay down on the bed. And my old lady be like, "Fuck you, cat. Get offa my bed!" And that cat vomited. Because he was Boozy Goddamn Mittens, and he was drunk off his ass. Like Boozy Mittens is wont to do. And to be. Because "drunk" is a state of being that one obtains through heavy consumption of alcohol. I think you might have been aware of that. But see, once Boozy Mittens refused to get off the bed, I had to get into a scrap with that old fat cat. He was fat by the way, I'm not sure I mentioned that. (How fat was he?) ...You son of a bitch. (How fat was he?) HE WAS FUCKING FAT! He was so fucking- anyway, this bastard... Not you, the cat. (Should I keep playing the music?) Keep going you fucker. Well, he jumps at my face, and he was a big ol' fat bastard so it was about like getting hit with a cannon ball. My accents' changed! Oh my God, my accent has changed! And that's why I can't walk.

One day A long long time ago Before the dawn of man And the dawn of dawn Because there was no sunlight back before the creation myth Anyway, the angels came down to the demons And they asked, "Yo dudes, do you wanna have a picnic?" And the demons were like, "Sure man, why not?" Well, there were a few reasons why not But they ignored them and had the picnic anyway The angels brought potato salad The demons brought potato salad The angels used mustard, and the demons mayonnaise They had a big old fight that lasts still today Well, many centuries later The angels and demons Came to my house and gave me potato salad They asked me which one that I'd prefer to settle their blood feud once and for all I couldn't decide But I tried, oh I tried It was about that time One of the demons - his name was Abaddon He took my dog - his name was Joe And he threw him in the pool But he could swim And the water filled his fur And it made him Heavy