Well, asshole, let me tell you the ol' Texas tale of Boozy Mittens, the Drunkard Cat. You see, Boozy Mittens was an old, fat bastard. He had one eye that was covered by an eyepatch, and another eye that was not. The eye that was covered by the eyepatch he could see things out of, which made it really inconvenient for it to be the one covered by the eyepatch. However, the other eye had lost its sight due to this cat's intense intake of alcohol-ic beverages.
(How much alcohol did he drink?)

Fuck-tons! Absolute fuck-tons. Man, that cat could drink an entire bottle of Smirnoff. Which is not entirely unimpressive for a human, but I mean, it's a cat, and they have much tinier livers that humans do.
(How much tinier?)

Fuck-tons tinier, you asshole!
(Sorry.)

God, where was I? Name of this fucking cat again?
(Boozy Mittens.)

Boozy Mittens! Well, anyway, he drank. And he was indeed a cat, with an eyepatch - that was inconveniently placed.
(How inconveniently placed was it?)

Fuck you! Fuck you. Very inconveniently, goddamn it.

Anyway, one time Boozy Mittens come up to my place. And he come up to my old lady. And he lay down on the bed. And my old lady be like, "Fuck you, cat. Get offa my bed!" And that cat vomited. Because he was Boozy Goddamn Mittens, and he was drunk off his ass. Like Boozy Mittens is wont to do. And to be. Because "drunk" is a state of being that one obtains through heavy consumption of alcohol.

I think you might have been aware of that.
But see, once Boozy Mittens refused to get off the bed, I had to get into a scrap with that old fat cat. He was fat by the way, I'm not sure I mentioned that.
(How fat was he?)

...You son of a bitch.
(How fat was he?)

HE WAS FUCKING FAT! He was so fucking- anyway, this bastard... Not you, the cat.
(Should I keep playing the music?)

Keep going you fucker. Well, he jumps at my face, and he was a big ol' fat bastard so it was about like getting hit with a cannon ball. My accents' changed! Oh my God, my accent has changed!

And that's why I can't walk.